You guys, I've chosen to come to this blog more times than not when I've felt basically good, or happy.
I've chosen to write when I felt the sun was shining on me and I chose not to share on the days when it felt cloudy. I was worried about quickly being the "downer" or the divorced girl who has nothing but problems. I gave myself a label and went with what I felt worked best for you, so I shared my"happy stories" stories when I feel I'd overcome, or had victory. This seemed to me, to be what the "norm" was for what we were all writing about and what we wanted to read about. So I kept much of life off of this blog. Lately life feels extremely surreal, from going on instagram, to reading blogs or checking facebook....everyone's lives are going on at the same pace and in the same way they always have...life is unchanged for what feels like all of you....and then there is me, my life is un-recognizable and it feels like nothing that once was, still is....honestly it's incredibly weird for me.
This last week has been the most dramatic, weird, sad, bad and grace filled week I think of my 31 years on the planet. I don't know a time when I've felt I've learned more consecutive lessons, been more humbled, thankful, sad, down and a ton of other emotions thrown in there. The "new normal" life that I was just getting used to has been disrupted once again, and yet I must march on...with a smile on my face, and get through it.
To me, that is the only option. Pick up, put on my smile and plow through the crap.
There has to be a rainbow waiting on the other side. I continuously believe this is the case.
But let me tell you I feel alone.....yes I am blessed with family and great friends who love me and support me...but honestly, I miss the companionship that I had in my husband. I miss doing life with him...
My struggle right now is wondering why I feel I had to lose my whole world...the life that meant everything to me....why did I have to lose being a wife, lose my husband and the way my family used to look? The answer to that question is always met with the same answer, which is because there must be more and better for me. More and better that I can not even believe or imagine....yet I can't see it in front of me so I struggle, my heart struggles. I struggle to feel peace that this is the truth and my time will come...That what was lost will be restored to me. This struggle leaves me feeling alone...I'm alone in the world to fight all the battles that I once had a partner to help me with.
Can I do it, yes? I have been...but do I like it, no.
so I came here today to share with you.... me...right now, just as I am...As always I am "ok" and I am wearing my smile each day...I'm pressing on and doing what I know needs to be done. Am I "fabulous", no. So if you would, please pray for me, keep me in your thoughts...whatever you do. I would much appreciate it. As always thank you dear friends for standing side by side with me, holding me up when I need it and being the amazing people you are. You bless me.